Help!
[GRUNTlNG]
I can't feel my legs!
I can't feel my muscles!
Holy shit!
[ALARM BUZZES]
-Did you faint, sir? -No, I just....
I think I was in the hot tub too long. I just....
My body just feels like jelly.
You're gonna be okay. Just take a couple breaths.
MAN 1 : Get me some towels.
No, no. Do me a favor. Irish, switch places with this guy.
Why?
-Does this mean you're going steady? -It's not funny.
This poor kid is spending his hard-earned money on me. It's sad.
I mean, it's cute, but it's really sad.
You should be flattered. You're 38 years old and you have college guys chasing you.
He thinks I'm 32.
[CHUCKLES]
What? Look, I just-- I feel bad if I gave him the wrong impression, you know?
No, you didn't give him the wrong impression.
"Dear Grace, our final game is tonight.
Please meet me at my place afterwards to toast the best summer of my life.
Yours most truly, Gerald Ahern."
Number 1 1.
Yeah, thanks for piling on.
[SlGHS]
I mean, I can't accept this.
I'm just gonna have to go set him straight.
[BOTH GRUNTlNG]
You know what I miss the most?
What?
The arch.
-The arch? -Yeah.
You know that moment when you're taking a girl's panties off for the very first time...
...and you don't know if she's gonna stop you.
Then she gives that tiny little pelvic arch thrust...
...to help you out, let you know you're in the clear.
Smooth sailing.
I miss that.
-That's a nice moment. -Yeah.
FRED: We let down the male species, you know that?
Maybe you were right. We should just call it quits...
-...and just ask the girls to come home. -No!
I want the hall pass, okay?
At first I wasn't sure, but now I want the dream.
I don't even know what the dream is anymore.
I'll tell you what it is.
I wanna remember what it feels like to be with someone...
...who really wants to be with me...
...out of just pure desire...
...not because they have to out of some sense of duty.
You know, all this arch talk's got me craving some Mickey D's.
-Up for it? -Yeah.
[CELL PHONE RlNGlNG]
Hello?
Yeah. Yeah.
Okay.
All right. See you there.
Who was that?
Ah. That was just an angel from heaven.
Coakley's back in town.
-What? -Yeah.
He wants to hang and he wants to bang.
[ROYKSOPP'S "THlS MUST BE lT" PLAYlNG OVER SPEAKERS]
Waiting for a sign
If I survive, I'll worship the moon
[CROWD CHATTERlNG AND CHEERlNG]
Or something, anything
Push the defrost button on the microwave, boys.
The deep freeze is over.
[COAKLEY LAUGHS]
And they talked
And they danced
MAN: Coakley.
Mm.
Okay, boys, you're on the clock now.
What?
You gotta hit them right out of the gate. Half an hour from now you'll be old news.
Oh. Should we go talk with this girl right here?
COAKLEY: Don't waste your time, man.
Why?
Workaholic. She'll be out of here in five minutes.
-What are you talking about? -Look at her hand.
Carpal tunnel syndrome.
Even if she stayed, you wouldn't want her.
You get a hand job from her, you need the Jaws of Life to get you out of it.
Yeah, there she goes.
Wow. You're good.
FRED: Oh, hey. Hey.
-The tall blond, right here. Yeah. RlCK: Hmm.
Forget about it. It's an illusion. She's surrounded by stootfish.
Stootfish?
When an eight surrounds herself with less attractive women...
-...to make her look like a 10. -What are you talking about? She is a 10.
You make me laugh, Freddie. Come on, try this.
All right.
-What is it? -Now block everything out.
-Tell me what you see. FRED: Wha--?
Uh-huh. Okay, now watch this, man.
Hot.
FRED: Right.
COAKLEY: Not. FRED: Oh, my God.
COAKLEY: Hot.
Not.
-Holy shit! -Ha-ha-ha.
That's amazing. You're like A Beautiful Mind.
[EMPlRE OF THE SUN'S "WE ARE THE PEOPLE" PLAYlNG]
I can't do well When I think you're gonna leave me
But I know I try
Are you gonna leave me now?
Can't you be believing now?
Hey, Mr. Mills.
Hey! Paige!
I thought you were down at the Cape.
Your in-laws took the kids for the weekend, so I came home early.
-Okay. -I turned 21 today.
I'm legal now.
-Oh, happy birthday. PAlGE: Thanks.
Yeah. You out celebrating?
Yeah, my cousin got me and my aunt on the VlP list.
That's my Aunt Meg over there.
She's 45 years old and she still parties like she's my age.
MEG: Whoo! -Wow.
So, Rick, how's the week off from marriage going?
You don't mind if I call you Rick? I am officially an adult now.
No, sure. But what did you just say?
I was asking you about that hall-pass thing. I babysat for the Putneys last night.
I heard Mr. Putney talking about it.
Gary was talk-- Who was he talking about it to?
-Just everyone at the barbecue. -What?
Oh, I don't think he meant it in a bad way.
I actually think it's cool of you to be staying at the Comfy Nite lnn...
... instead of bringing girls back to your home with the kids' pictures all taped up.
Thank you.
-What can I get you? -Can I get three tequila shots, please?
By the way, I think that I owe you an apology.
Last week when you drove me home, I shouldn't have snapped at you like that.
No, no, no. Don't be ridiculous. It was just a misunderstanding.
No, it wasn't.
If you thought that I was kind of coming on to you...
...it's probably because I kind of was.
-Fifty-seven bucks. -What? Are you kidding me? That--
That seems a little stiff.
They're just kids in here. I don't see how they afford these prices.
-Paige, I better get going. -What? Where are you going?
Paige, you're my kids' babysitter. Have a happy birthday.
But my Aunt Meg wants to meet you.
[AKRON/FAMlLY'S "EVERYONE lS GUlLTY" PLAYlNG]
-All right. -Yeah! Getting wasted.
-Whoo! Mm. -The spirits doth floweth.
-Aah! -Yeah! Ha, ha.
[FRED COUGHlNG]
That girl over there is looking at you.
Which one? What? The one that looks like Chief from Cuckoo's Nest?
No, no, man. The one sitting next to her.
Oh, yeah.
She's very vulnerable. She just quit cigarettes.
How do you know?
Because she can't take her eyes off the smokers over there.
FRED: How do you know those aren't her friends?
-Come on, Coakley, give me a break. -Well, that might be plausible...
...if her lips weren't shaking...
...and her fingernails weren't chewed down to the nub.
And that bag, man. That's a little big to be bringing into a club.
Unless she needs room for a $5 foot-long.
-So you got a woman who quit smoking. -Right.
She's tense, she's hungry.
And it all adds up to what?
That woman needs something in her mouth.
Aah, that's my boy! Let's go!
-Now? -Right now, man. The universe is calling.
-I don't know if we need to go now. -Come on.
[EMPlRE OF THE SUN'S "WALKlNG ON A DREAM" PLAYlNG]
Walking on a dream
How can I explain?
Talking to myself
Will I see again?
We are always running for the thrill of it Thrill of it
Always pushing up the hill Searching for the thrill of it
On and on and on We are calling out
How late's this bitch staying open tonight?
Ick.
Is it real now
When two people become one?
I can feel it
When two people become one
Is it real now
When two people become one?
I can feel it
RlCK: Hey, girl.
Hey.
What are you doing here?
Just chilling.
Yeah, me too.
Just chilling and wiggling.
What happened to you yesterday? Thought we were gonna get a beer.
RlCK: Yeah. Uh....
I got caught up in my reps and my curls and shit and just lost track of time.
So is this, like, your playground? It seems like great energy in here.
No, I've actually never been here before.
A friend of mine's DJ'ing, so I promised him I'd come.
Calling out and out again
Never looking down
So is this guy like your boyfriend or something?
No, no, no.
Well, we messed around once, but just a little.
And by a little you mean--?
Anal.
Okay. Yeah.
I'm joking.
-Oh. Ha, ha. LElGH: Ha, ha.
He kissed me one night. Kissed him back. It was a big mistake.
So, what's with the ring?
Yeah, l--
You ever heard of a hall pass?
All right, it's about time I take the governor off this beyotch!
It was those tall skinny guys and they were all over my yard.
But here's the weird thing. I wasn't even afraid of them at all.
And when they asked me if I wanted to go with them, I said, "Sure."
And I walked right in.
Oh, my God. You are so brave.
I would never climb into one of those things.
Fred, would you ever just walk into a UFO on your own?
I would if one came right now, sure.
[PRODlGY'S "RUN WlTH THE WOLVES" PLAYlNG]
Wow, so you're married?
Yeah. It wasn't like I was trying to hide it. I mean, you know.
No, I just thought your wife might've died and you're wearing it out of respect.
Oh, no. No, she's still hanging in there.
Hey, you okay? You keep checking your pulse.
Yeah. I just-- I got a little chest cramp, but I'm working through it.
Ouch.
RlCK: Yeah. -Heartburn?
No, it feels more like excessive plaque build-up in the arteries.
[BEEPS]
WOMAN [ON MACHlNE]: Hi, Maggie. This is Isabel.
I went to clean the house today, but nobody has been there...
...or slept in any of the beds this week...
...so I just cleaned the windows and left early.
I hope you don't mind. Bye.
[DlAL TONE DRONES ON MACHlNE]
[KNOCKlNG ON DOOR]
Hey.
What are you doing here?
I thought you might wanna help me celebrate the end of the season.
Oh, um....
Uh, brought some good late-night eats.
Yeah. Yeah, come on in.
What are you doing, man? Come on.
You found your dream girl, now take her back to the hotel and take care of business.
We don't have much in common. I can't even talk to her.
Talk to her? Fred, now what do you want, a pen pal or a poon pal?
FRED: I only got one shot at this, all right?
I think I can do better.
Every loser in Vegas thinks they can do better.
You know what winners do? They walk away from the table while they're up.
[LARRY TEE AND PRlNCESS SUPERSTAR'S "LlCKY" PLAYlNG]
Licky like a sexy ear
Lick here
L-I licky C-K licky Y
Why? Because I am a licky-licky guy
Yeah!
L licky I-C licky K-Y
I'm just a licky girl
How do I know if she'll come home with me?
Oh, she'll come home with you. She's wearing a thong, man.
FRED: How do you know that?
I did a crawl-by.
Coakley.
Licky my sticky
Fuck it. Okay, here.
Give those to Rick. I'm gonna take a cab back to the hotel. Oh.
-Freddie. -What?
It has been an honor to watch you grow up.
All right.
Licky like a Steadicam
Licky like a tangerine
We're taking the party back to my house. Bring a girl or don't come, man.
[SPOON'S "THE MYSTERY ZONE" PLAYlNG ON STEREO]
Hey. There's my girl.
Come on in. I'm just mixing up some margaronis.
We lost our final game today, but I went yard.
Oh, that's good.
So, um, where is everybody?
They all went out to some party. Come on in.
Gerry, I can't stay.
What?
Is everything okay?
Yeah. No, everything's fine.
Look, um, I really can't accept this.
Why not?
Because I'm a married woman, Gerry, you know that.
Oh. Um....
Look, I'm really sorry if I made you feel uncomfortable, Grace.
It's just...
...I really like you.
I like you too, Gerry.
And, no, you didn't make me feel uncomfortable.
The mystery zone
All right
FRED: Wait, are you serious?
You might have appendicitis?
My stomach's rumbling and I'm having these shooting pains.
I should take you to the hospital.
No, I'll be all right. It's probably just this stupid patch.
I mean, I quit smoking and--
[SNEEZES]
It's just-- I think I'm allergic to it, and it makes me all queasy and--
-Oh. -Plus, I had a bunch of drinks at the club.
Well, are you gonna throw up?
Oh. No, I can't.
Ooh, here. Here. Here. Just take this just in case.
No, I'm one of those people who can never throw up.
[GAGS]
I wish I could throw up. I know it would help.
[SNEEZES AND FARTS]
[PANTlNG]
Oh. Wow.
You know what? I think I feel a little better.
That sneeze helped.
FRED: Take her wherever she wants to go. Here you are.
But I never got your number!
[KNOCKlNG ON DOOR]
-Can I help you? -You must be Rick.
Go on.
Hi, my name's Meg. Paige's aunt.
[BLACK MOUNTAlN'S "DRUGANAUT" PLAYlNG]
I guess I still have a lot to get out of my system...
...before I do the whole marriage trip, you know?
I'm one of those people that wants to try everything once.
And the good things twice.
[LElGH & RlCK LAUGH]
Oh, like swim with the dolphins.
-Yeah. I'd love to meet the Dalai Lama. -Mm. Sure.
-Bungee jump. -Oh, I've already done that.
-Skydiving. -Skinny-dip in the lndian Ocean.
-Sleep with a married guy. Ha, ha. -Ha, ha.
I just mean if that was one of the things on the old bucket list...
...I could help you cross that off. To sleep with a married guy.
Ahem. What'd you say, the lndian Ocean?
-I don't wanna be a homewrecker, Rick. RlCK: No, no, no.
That's what I'm saying. I've got a pass.
You could do this with a clear conscience. I'm not trying to sell you on it.
Those are the facts of the situation.
[MAN & WOMAN YELLlNG AND LAUGHlNG]
It's getting a little loud in here. Is there somewhere a bit more quiet we could go?
Coakley's game room upstairs. It's soundless.
-It's like space. BRENT: Leigh!
-Leigh. -Oh, this fucking guy.
Brent, what are you doing here?
The old dude invited me. He invited the entire club.
BRENT: You knew how important tonight was!
My whole family was there! And they don't come to anything!
The fuck you looking at?
Everyone came tonight and they stayed, except for you!
That's not respectful!
Okay, just calm down.
No! I would like to speak to you alone. Alone.
LElGH: I'll just be a second.
[SOBS]
[SlGHS]
-Ahem. Uh, hey. -Oh, hey.
Uh, sorry about being a little, you know, quick on the trigger there. It's just, uh....
You know, you're so hot I couldn't help myself.
Oh....
It's fine.
Is, uh, everything okay?
Yeah. Yeah.
[GERRY CLEARS THROAT]
Uh.... No, everything's not okay.
Um....
Look, you're a great guy, Gerry.
But what just happened here....
Yeah, that can never happen again.
Okay?
Oh.
I mean, I know it's kind of hard to understand after....
But, um, I really love my husband.
And in reality, you and me, here...
...this could never be more than what it just was.
[CHUCKLES]
Yeah. I know that.
You do?
Well, yeah.
Yeah, no. I mean, jeez, um....
Look, no offense or anything, but let's face it. You're a lot older than me.
-By-- -No, I don't mean that in a bad way.
It's just, you know, I didn't think we were gonna start dating or anything, you know?
[BOTH CHUCKLE]
Jeez, can you imagine, like, the looks that we would get?
It'd be like Hugh Hefner and his girlfriends.
-Ha, ha. You'd be Hef. -Yeah, I got that.
-Yeah. -Hmm. Huh.
Um, you know what? I gotta get going. We have a--
We have a team meeting in like 20 minutes. It's a tradition.
It'd probably be really uncool if I didn't--
Yeah, you don't have to explain.
Okay.
Um, well, seriously, though, thanks for everything.
-You're awesome at sex. -Oh.
I'm sure there's an explanation for why he hasn't slept in your bed.
You know, maybe he took a trip somewhere.
No. He can't. He has two houses closing escrow this week. He has to be in town.
Maybe he has been home, but he can't stand sleeping in your bed without you...
...so he's been racking on the couch and, you know...
...banging all the women there.
[LAUGHS]
Here, open. Oh.
[BOTH LAUGH]
You--
-Not bad, huh? -All right. Yeah. Ha-ha-ha.
Um, I wonder what's keeping Grace.
She went over there to break the kid's heart.
The least she could do is lend a sympathetic ear.
[CRYlNG]
FRED: Cheers. -Cheers.
I hope you don't mind me tracking you down.
Paige told me where you were staying.
Please. No, not at all. No. It's good to have company.
You've been very sweet to her.
Well, you know, she's a good kid. She's a good kid and I do what I can for the kids.
She told me everything and I have to admit, I was very impressed.
Hmm?
I mean, I know she came on to you twice, and that both times you set her straight.
She came on to me?
Rick, enough with the chivalry.
I mean, come on. Paige has a crush on you and you didn't take advantage of her.
I'm just saying, that is very cool.
Especially since you have your wife's permission now.
Yeah.
I like that, Rick.
You have morals.
[BELT BUCKLE CLlNKlNG]
Yeah.
Well, all you have in this world is your word.
MEG: Mm.
[WE WERE PROMlSED JETPACKS' "QUlET LlTTLE VOlCES" PLAYlNG]
Quiet little voices
Creep into my head I'm young again
I'm young again, I'm young again I'm young again
Quiet little monsters
Creep inside my bedroom wall
I'll fall for you, I'll fall for you I'll fall for you
Quiet words of wisdom
Creep into your victim's ears
I'll die for you, I'll die for you I'll die for you
-I love that picture. -Yeah. Yeah.
COAKLEY: Yeah. That was a great day, man. RlCK: It was.
Everybody had a great time at that wedding.
I mean everybody.
You know, I went balls deep in one of the bridesmaids.
Yeah, I remember.
She was a really pretty girl with these big old floppy tits. Boom.
Hello? Bluh. Ha, ha.
You-- What was her name, man?
-Jenny. Yeah. -Jenny.
My sister, Jenny.
Nice girl. Really sweet.
-And how's she doing? -Good.
Oh, great, man, great.
-Still married. -Oh, is she? Great. I'm glad it worked out.
Seemed like they were having problems, you know?
[SlGHS]
-Hey. -Hey.
There you are.
Uh, yeah. I was thinking that you were gone.
No. I told you, I just had to talk him off the ledge.
I sent him home. He's fine now.
-Ha, ha. -You picked somewhere nice and quiet.
Yeah. Yeah, it is, uh, quiet in here.
You know, in fact, it's so quiet I kind of just-- I kind of hit a wall.
Yeah, I was-- I'm gonna split.
Really? Are you--? You okay?
Yeah. No, I feel good.
I got a little tickle in my ear that I get in the summer from mold spores that--
You gotta be careful because they'll come into your throat. But no, no, I got....
I have commitments.
Wow.
[CHUCKLES]
Hey, relax.
Try not to think so much.
You have your wife for the rest of your life.
Tonight, you can have me.
[SHOUT OUT LOUDS' "PLAY THE GAME" PLAYlNG]
So I drink again
Oh, oh And I play the game
Oh, oh Like I did yesterday
Uh, you know what? I'm sorry.
I can't do this. I can't do this, I'm sorry.
[LElGH CHUCKLES]
Your wife didn't give you a permission slip, did she?
No, no, she did.
Look, you are insanely beautiful and sexy...
...and every cell in my body is angry at me right now.
I've got, like, a mutiny on my hands.
I feel like I'm vibrating. Like....
But you see this area?
This spot right here.
The first time I ever slept with Maggie back in college, she fell asleep right here...
...and she left, like, a little pool of drool...
...but it didn't really bother me. It actually felt good.
And I thought, "l wanna marry this girl."
And then I did. It was, like, a long shot.
And miraculously, it came through.
And then we had kids. Emma, Gunnar and Mac.
And that's their spot. When they're brand-new they'd sleep right here.
When it'd be 4 in the morning you'd be holding their head...
...because their little necks don't have-- They're just kind of like--
And it's where we first got to know each other.
And it doesn't matter how beautiful you are....
I gotta go home.
I wanna go home.
[CHUCKLES]
Well, uh, you definitely have a screw loose.
And you're probably going to regret this for the rest of your life...
...but, uh, you know what?
You're a good guy.
Um, do you need a ride home?
No. It's only 2:30. I'm gonna go back in the party.
Okay.
Peace it.
R-O-C-K in the U.S.A.
[LAUGHS]
[CHUCKLES]
[MlMlCKlNG CAMERA CLlCKlNG AND WHlRRlNG]
[SlGHS]
[CELL PHONE RlNGlNG]
Hello?
MAN [OVER PHONE]: Is this Fred Searing? -No.
MAN: This is Trooper Frioli of the Massachusetts State Police.
No, it's a friend of his. I just picked up his phone. Is everything okay?
[ENGlNE STARTS]
[TlRES SCREECHlNG]
Yes, Rick. More tongue.
[LlPS SMACKlNG]
Oh, God.
Oh, yeah.
More tongue. More tongue.
[TlRES SCREECH]
[ENGlNE STOPS]
PAlGE: There he is. Hey.
RlCK: What are you doing here?
What do you think? I'm looking for my aunt.
Your aunt's staying here?
[PAlGE SCOFFS]
I know you and her are hooking up.
What? Paige, I have no idea what you're talking about.
This is really bad timing. I gotta get going.
Look, I saw her car in the parking lot. I know she's here.
Okay, Paige. Enough, please.
Just because your wife isn't faithful to you...
...doesn't mean you have to go around screwing my family.
What?
[PAlGE SCOFFS]
Wow.
I guess somebody doesn't know about the baseball coach.
[LlPS SMACKlNG]
Do the alphabet, Rick! Aah!
Fred, I need to talk to you.
Fred? I thought you were Rick.
No, I'm Rick.
-What? -Please don't judge me.
[FRED GRUNTlNG]
Oh, my God. Oh, my God. What did they say? Is Grace gonna be okay?
They said she was in a car accident and they took her to the hospital.
They wouldn't say any more because I'm not you.
[FRED GROANS]
-All right. Calm down. -This is my fault.
God is punishing me because I'm the worst husband in the world.
No, you're not. Come on, come on.
Yes, I am. I've been bad, Rick. I've been real bad.
-We've both been bad. -I kissed your babysitter's aunt.
That's not so bad.
-On the vagina. -Ooh.
[CROWBAR CLANKS]
-Oh! FRED: Whoa.
-No, no! No. Ooh. RlCK: Hey! Oh!
Hey, what the hell?
RlCK: No, no! No!
How do you like me now, Splenda boy?
Moron, this is my car!
-Oh. This is your car? RlCK & FRED: Yes!
I'm sorry, I had no idea.
RlCK & FRED: Hey! Hey!
You think I give a shit, pudge boy?
Why am I pudge boy?
Take it easy, okay? Relax.
No! You take it easy!
You think that you can come into my club...
...take my girl and then get away with it?
No. Not tonight, buddy.
But why would you even try to have sex with the right Rick? He was mine.
-Ugh. BRENT: Fuck, no!
You're not gonna get away with it!
-Never! Ever! FRED: Hey! Hey!
Brent?
Mother?
-What are you doing here? -Wait, wait, wait. Aunt Meg is your mom?
How does he know your name?
-Well-- Kind of-- -We-- Sort of--
What? No. No, no, no.
No.
No. Are you telling me...
...that this 40-hour-week motherfucking soccer dad took my girl...
...and this flabby asshole...
[STAMMERS]
...my mother?
No, no, no! I didn't have sex with your mom.
-All I did was fake-chow her. All right? -It's true.
[CROWBAR CLANKS]
-That's it. You two are dead men. FRED: Whoa! He's got a gun!
MEG: No! -What?
-Where did you get that? -Grandpa's closet!
[GUNSHOT]
PAlGE: No! Brent!
FRED: Oh, my God. Oh, my God. Oh, my God.
Go, go, go.
[MEG & PAlGE SCREAMlNG]
Go, go, go. Get down.
BRENT: Am I scaring you, asshole?
Do you have a shot count?
-A shot count? -Yeah!
No, I didn't get a fucking shot count.
BRENT: Come here.
[CLlCKlNG]
BRENT: Huh? PAlGE & MEG: Aah!
[BRENT GRUNTS]
Shooter down. Let's roll!
[ENGlNE STARTS]
-Go, go. Punch it. Punch it. -I'm going.
BRENT: Get off me, Mom. MEG: Brent, stop it.
[PAlGE SCREAMlNG]
FRED: Oh, hell, no!
What the hell was that?
RlCK: Go, go. Drive.
-He's coming through the back. -What's up, assholes?
Swerve! Swerve! Swerve!
[BRENT GRUNTlNG]
[THUD]
Okay. No, no. He's gone. Drive. Drive. You shook him.
I don't believe this. Maggie's having an affair.
What?
Well, you didn't give him a free pass for nothing.
So come on. Just be honest. What were you trying to accomplish?
I don't know.
I just felt like...
...he wasn't noticing me anymore.
And I wanted to feel wanted again.
And the truth is, I never really thought he'd go through with it.
MAGGlE: Oh, my God.
What?
This hall pass.
It was never for him.
It was for me.
RlCK: I got a hall pass. Why shouldn't she?
She's a beautiful woman.
What guy isn't gonna wanna be with a beautiful woman...
...whose husband decides he's gonna take a week off?
Come on! What kind of hospital doesn't have a live operator?
Fred! Fred, it's 4 a.m.
Uh-huh. And uh-huh.
[CAR APPROACHlNG]
Huh. There's something you don't see a lot.
I took her for granted. I took Maggie for granted. Yeah.
I feel like I'm gonna throw up, man.
[SlRENS WAlLlNG]
Oh, great.
-Okay, pull over, man. -No way. I can outrun them.
No, you can't! Not in this thing.
Watch me.
-Okay, now we got two of them. -I don't care!
-I'm not stopping till I get to Grace. -Are you crazy?
Yeah, I'm crazy!
I'm crazy about my wife!
[RlCK & FRED SCREAM]
[YELLlNG]
What is happening?!
Aah! Brent, that hurts!
[RlCK GRUNTlNG]
FRED: Hey! RlCK: What are you doing, man?
Hear me out, gentlemen. I can explain every-- Unh. Unh.
POLlCEMAN 1 : Hold it!
RlCK: Aah! Aah! No!
[RlCK YELLlNG]
No, no. Okay, okay! Aah.
Oh, God. Grace needs me!
-Take it easy, buddy. -I won't take it easy!
Okay, look. I did not stop because there's a lunatic out there trying to kill us!
And my wife's been in an accident, and I need to see if she's okay!
Because that woman is my life!
Is he the husband of Grace Searing?
Yes! Yes, I am. Is she okay?
Please. Please, tell me she's gonna be okay.
She's having difficulty breathing.
FRED: Oh, my God.
Is she gonna live?
Oh, yeah. I'm sorry. She's fine. She just broke her nose.
We had to stuff some gauze up there.
She's gonna be a mouth breather for about a week.
But, all in all, I would say you're a very lucky guy.
Bless you, doctor.
I'll fucking kill you! Come here!
We didn't know what was going on because he came in through the window.
That had been knocked out earlier...
...back when he fired the holes in there.
Rick! Rick! She's gonna be okay!
-She's okay? FRED: She's all right.
POLlCEMAN 2: Hey, Anderson...
...these guys are clean.
That lunatic was attacking them before he punched Officer Leska.
[BRENT YELLlNG]
Anyway, he's in bracelets.
Well, I guess you're off the hook.
Thank you.
Can you believe it? I get a second chance.
Fred, go in there and take care of that woman. You're lucky to have her.
Okay. All right, thank you.
RlCK: Put her on a pedestal. The biggest one you can find.
Oh, wait! Rick, Rick, Rick. Good luck with Mags.
[ENGlNE STOPS]
MAGGlE: Oh, God.
Oh, my God!
Oh, God.
[MAGGlE GRUNTS]
Oh, my God. You poor thing.
Um, hold on a second. Rick just walked in.
Grace has been in a car accident.
Yeah, I know. She's okay, though.
Fred's over there.
Oh. So they're letting you go?
Okay.
You're headed here. Great.
All right, I love you too.
God, she scared me to death.
Yeah.
Hi.
So, what are you doing here?
March 25th, 1989.
What?
That's the day I lost my virginity. March 25th, 1989.
Approximately 10:30 p. m.
[SlGHS]
What are you talking about? We were dating then.
I know. You were my first.
And you were my last.
And you've been everything in between.
Really?
Really.
Is that why you were crying that night?
I wasn't crying, I don't think.
And I was--?
I was your last?
You're my only.
Forever.
Whose car is that out front?
Oh, it's a friend of my dad. Baseball player.
He came over last night. Drank some wine.
He got a little frisky, so I sent him home in a cab.
Define frisky.
Oh, don't worry. You were my last too.
[MAGGlE MOANS]
But I can't say you were my first.
You know, words really do hurt.
[MAGGlE CHUCKLlNG]
So I mean, what were you doing driving around at 1 in the morning?
No, I was just, um, upset about things...
...and I wasn't paying any attention, and I think I must have hit some sand...
...and the next thing you know, I'm running into a pole.
Grace.
I'm so sorry.
-For what? -For what?
For putting you through all this.
Hey, I love you.
I love you too, Fred.
It's not your fault.
-Yes, it is. -No.
This is all my fault. I'm the one that caused all of this.
-Every single bit of this. -"Horny old man"?
No. No, that's not me. No, that was intended for Rick.
-Oh. -Yeah. Yeah.
We need to talk about what happened this week.
Oh, Grace, no, no. Come on, do we really have to?
We really, really do.
Okay, look. Look, whatever happened this week doesn't matter. Okay?
Because I love you and only you.
And I am gonna treat you like the queen that you are for the rest of your days.
Okay? I'm gonna quit fantasy football this year.
Even though I have the first pick. And we can do that Master Cleanse thing...
...with the cayenne pepper and all that shit. You will never have to shovel snow again.
I'll do it, okay? Tennis elbow be damned. I will do it.
But please, I am begging you...
...can we please just never, ever talk about what happened this week?
-Um.... -Please.
Deal. Ha, ha.
-Really? -Yeah.
Thank you.
Oh, thank you.
Oh, my God.
Oh, I love you, Grace.
-I love you too, Fred. -Oh, God.
Does this mean that you will finally come with me to An Evening With Kathy Griffin?
Last night, I fake-chowed a DJ's mom.
Let's talk about Miley Cyrus. Who's got a stripper pole?
[ALL LAUGHlNG]
Oh, yes.
Fred, that is fantastic.
What's that?
Where did you find the Kathy Griffin look-alike?
Oh, no. No, that is Kathy Griffin.
The Teen Awards, where she went down there.
And then the dads in the audience, they're all clapping.
[WOMEN LAUGHlNG]
HOG-HEAD: Really?
Better be. Cost me 275 bucks to get her here.
Plus bus fare.
Kathy Griffin's a delight, isn't she?
WOMAN 1 : I've never seen them look happier.
-Who's that, dear? -Maggie and Grace.
You know, I've been wondering if maybe I should give you a hall pass.
WOMAN 2: That was amazing.
Thank you. It's nice finally to meet a woman who's not obsessed with penis size.
I appreciate that.
-What the fuck is this? -My husband!
Why are you with my wife?
-I've got hall pass. I have a hall pass. -He's got a gun!
Aah!
[BOTH GRUNTlNG]
[GUNSHOT]
Oh, my God. Oh, my God. What if the cops question me?
I'm weak.
Excuse me? Have you seen my granddaughter?
[GROANS]
[WHlSTLlNG]
GUY: Dude, up here.
That was fucking awesome. We saw the whole thing.
[SlRENS WAlLlNG]
[PANTlNG]
This is racial profiling! I wanna speak to a barrister!
[MAN SMOOCHES]
[GARY GRUNTlNG]
[SCREAMS]
So, what do you think?
Yeah. We'll give it a whirl. Why not?
[STYX'S "THE BEST OF TlMES" PLAYlNG ON STEREO]
Tonight's the night we'll make history
Honey, you and I
[PANTlNG]
[GRUNTlNG]
'Cause I'll take any risk
To tie back the hands of time
[WHEEZlNG]
And stay with you here tonight
[GRUNTlNG AND CHORTLlNG]
Huh?
Excuse me.
What are you doing?
It's not what you think. I swear.
I was just giving him a faux job.
Yeah. A what?
A faux job.
When you go south on a guy, but you don't use your mouth...
...you use your hands instead, and then you make loud slurping noises.
[SLURPlNG]
POLlCEMAN: Hmm.
Okay. Have a good night.
FRED: Thank you. Bye-bye. POLlCEMAN: Yeah. Night.
-They're nice, yeah? GRACE: Yep.
[CHORTLlNG]
MAN 1 : Yeah, you're out of breath, Stephen.
And, action.
[BOTH YELL]
[CREW LAUGHlNG]
Fucking hell.
Wow.
[CREW LAUGHlNG]
Wow.
MAN 2: Good job, dude.
All right, well, good luck finishing your movie.
[CREW LAUGHlNG]
MAN 3: I gotta change my drawers.
[CREW LAUGHlNG]
[English - US - SDH]